When the World is Falling Apart
by hermiine
Summary: Takes off after Persian Gulf. Mac can’t deal with everything that has happened around her lately. COMPLETE
1. 1 of 7

**When the World is Falling Apart**

**Author: **hermiine Takes of after Persian Gulf. Mac can't deal with everything that has happened around her lately.

**Rating: **PG-13

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of this story.

**Author's notes: **I actually wrote this story quite a while ago and the whole idea to it is even older. I think for some people it needs to come with a bit of warning. It's quite dark at times. I did some reading on PTSD, but you should not take anything in the story as true. I've reread it several times and I think I've gotten most of the mistakes out of it, but I do own the ones still left in there. Unless something unexpected happens I should have finished posting it by Sunday. Hope you enjoy!

**Part 1**

"Hey," Harm says looking very surprised. It's already quite late in the evening when I knock on his door. Through the door I have heard him playing his guitar, not quite been able to make out the melody I assumed he was improvising. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. I must be the last person he expected to see on the other side of the door.

"Hey," I say very quietly. I try to look straight into his eyes wondering if he can see something different in mine. Have last weeks events changed them? If the eyes really are the mirror of the soul then they must have change, because how can my soul still be the same after killing a man like that. Every time I close my eyes I see Sadiq lying on the floor out of reach of his gun. Will it never end? If I could only forget for just a little while. There has to be something that can make me forget.

"Come in," he says and he steps away from the door to let me in. He actually seems glad to see me. I step inside pulling the door closed behind me.

"Harm, I … ," I have to pause. I want to close my eyes so I can shut the whole world out, but it has become too many things inside of me that I want to shut out that it's completely impossible to accomplish that anymore. I step closer to him so I can feel his warm breath against my face. This must be what life smells like. I put my hand on his chest where I can feel his heart beat. It beats so regularly, so automatically, never missing a beat. Harm must be wondering what I'm doing. Maybe he thinks I'm going insane. Maybe I am. "I need you," I whisper. Now I stand even closer to him, I'm closer to his body, closer to his face.

"I … I'm there for you. Always," he says. I don't think he knows quite how to handle me right now. He doesn't know what I need. To be honest most times I don't know what I need either, so I can see why he gets confused. But right now I know exactly what I need, what I want and this time I'm going to tell him.

"I want you," I don't have to move my head a lot to reach up to kiss him. At first he's shocked. For a second he just stands there not pushing me away, but also not kissing me back. Then he gently puts his arms around me and pulls me even closer. He kisses me and I can feel it in my whole body. It's all that I can think about and it's all that my body feels. The kiss is not like the ones we've shared before. It isn't sweet and it isn't gentle. Passion and desire is what it speaks of. It's not going to stop at a kiss. At least I'm not going to stop it. That control is no longer mine, it was lost when I came here.

Things happen and I don't know who initiates them. I can't remember exactly what happened, all I can remember is his lips on my lips, his hands on my body and how it made me feel. We end up in his bedroom. I think by that time some of our clothing had already been taken off and we rid ourselves of the rest there. For the first time in a very long time I don't have to be afraid of my feelings, I can jump in and let them surround me, because everything that I'm feeling feels great and wonderful. There are no thoughts about the next day or the one after that. Right then it's only the present that exists.

No words are uttered during or afterwards. I don't have anything to say and I don't know what Harm's reason is for not talking. Something tells me I should leave. I shouldn't stay the night, tomorrow everything will be different and I don't want to wake up to that awkwardness. The monsters inside will be back by then as well. Right now however I can't leave him, because right now, probably for the one and only time, he's mine and I'm his.

**TBC**


	2. 2 of 7

**AN:** This is a really tiny part, but I hope you forgive me considering the next one's coming tomorrow morning. I so appreciate all the nice comments I got about the first part of the story, thank you!

**Part 2**

"'Morning," Harm looks up at me, where I'm standing buttoning the blouse I wore yesterday.

"Hey," I say. I look at him quickly, but I look down on the floor just as quickly with the excuse that I need to find my socks.

He gets up from the bed and puts on his boxers. Now I was definitely not looking at him. He goes into the kitchen and I can hear him putting on a pot of coffee. If only I could find my sock I could get out of here. One of them I had found and now I was trying to find the other one under the bed.

"Is this what you're looking for?"

I quickly get off the floor and see the sock hanging from his hand.

"Yep, that's it." I walk up to him, take it and sit down on the bed to put them on. As I walk towards the door where my jacket lays thrown on the floor, he follows me.

"Mac, hang on a minute. I want to make you breakfast. The girls aren't going to wake up in a while yet. You can stay …"

"Harm, this is not the kind of thing where you have to make me breakfast afterwards, OK?" The anger that has surrounded me this last week is back with me. If I don't let it out one way or another it will suffocate me.

"Mac, I have no idea what kind of thing this is," he points from me back to him. He's stepped around me and now stands between me and the door. "We need to talk …"

"We don't need to do anything," I snap at him.

"Mac, you're the one who showed up here. You're the one who started this. You don't have the right to come here and … and then just leave without an explanation."

"You didn't seem to need any answers yesterday."

"All I wanted was to be there for you. I know you're not doing so well right now, Mac. I don't' know what happened yesterday. What it was, I don't know, but we do need to talk about this, Mac. There's too much at stake."

"Harm, I … Thanks for last night. I need to get home now," I try to say as nonchalantly as I can. I step around him and grab a hold of the doorknob.

"Mac," he reaches out and grabs my arm to stop me from leaving, but I don't turn around to look at him. "I'm sorry, Mac, I should have stopped it yesterday. You were vulnerable … I'm so sorry."

"Harm, as you said I'm the one who came here and started everything. I take full responsibility for what happened." I start walking again and since he doesn't want to physically hurt me he's forced to let go of my arm.

TBC


	3. 3 of 7

**Part 3**

The admiral is not happy with me. I can't really understand why. I work more effectively then ever before. Work is all I think about. It's everything I do. I hardly sleep anymore, I spend every night up at my desk at home over law books, reports and witness statements. I've never come to court as prepared as I am now. I don't get why he's complaining. How I'm feeling is none of his business. He even ordered me to go to therapy and I have an appointment later today, but I already know it's not going to lead anywhere. There's no one who can help me now. Maybe at some point I could have been saved, but that point was past long ago now.

I wish I could just get to run my life my way. It's not like everyone else around here is doing such a great job with theirs that they are qualified to give other people advices.

I look up when there's a knock on my closed office door. It's Harm. I keep my office door closed all of the time nowadays, and except for Harm no one comes in there unless it's absolutely necessary. That's good. No distractions make me even more focused and effective. Harm however, as proven by the fact that he's here now, still comes in here for no good reason sometimes.

My intension was never for him to feel guilty about what happened that night. I didn't think he would regret it. It's not like he hasn't had one-night-stands before. I know about several and I'm sure those aren't all. Why is he treating this so differently?

He opens the door and clears his throat. I still haven't told him to come in, but it doesn't really matter. He's called me everyday since that night, I haven't been taking his calls. That's what caller-ID's are for. Two days ago I left a message on his machine asking him to stop, but he's still called. So what does it matter to him if I want him in my office or not. He doesn't care. I just wish I didn't either.

"Hey," I try not to sound angry and he looks relieved. Most of the times that I've looked at him this last week he's looked upset. I can't really tell if he's mostly angry or hurt. I guess I just can't read him anymore, I can't tell how he's feeling anymore and for once that feeling of anger drifts away and the miles-deep sadness that lies beneath it comes to the surface for a second or two. As soon as it came it goes away and buries deep inside of me again.

"Hey Mac," he tries to sound cheerful "How are things today?" I wonder if anyone suspects what has happened between us.

I shrug my shoulders. I can't give him a satisfying answer.

"Actually I came in here to tell you that I'm coming over to your place tonight," Harm says so casually that the meaning of the words are almost lost to me. I just cock my eyebrows in response. "I know you don't want to talk about this, Mac, but I need to talk to you. I guess it's kind of stupid to … warn," he thinks again like he still isn't quite sure it's the correct word "you about this. I just want to talk to you. Mac, please for me. Be there tonight."

I start shaking my head. I don't want to talk, not to him and not to anyone, but I guess I don't have a choice. "OK," I shrug my shoulders pretending it's not a big deal, but Harm and I both know that that's not true.

"I'll be there around 8," he says and leaves my office.

* * *

I still have three minutes to get out of here before he arrives. Three minutes. I could get far in three minutes. I know Harm told me he was coming so I could choose not to be here. He gave me an out, but I guess I'm not going to take it after all. He asked me to be here. Well, not exactly asked me, but he said he needed to talk to me.

Anyway the out is gone now, because he's here. I actually knew before I heard the knock on the door.

I open the door for him. He's not wearing his uniform. He takes off his leather jacket and hangs it over his arm.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Yeah, sure," he says. "I'll have what you're having."

"Orange juice OK?"

"Yeah," he agrees. He follows me out to the kitchen. The first thing I see entering the kitchen makes me turn around and stop him to further enter it. I can't believe I didn't put it away. It's already too late though, he has gotten suspicious and his eyes searched through the room until he finds the thing I so desperately wanted him not to see.

"Oh, Mac," he sighs and he sounds so disappointed and afraid. "Have you … ? Are you drinking again?"

I turn around and continue to walk into the kitchen getting the orange juice out of the refrigerator and two glasses out of the cupboard.

"You didn't come here to talk to me about my alcoholism," I state.

"I came here because I'm worried about you and so far I've only gotten more worried."

I walk past him and we sit down on the couch in my living room.

"There's no need for you to be worried about me," I say. I'm not going to give this fight up.

"Mac, there's a bottle of vodka in your kitchen. You're an alcoholic and … and there's a bottle of vodka in your kitchen so don't tell me that I don't need to worry about you," he sounds so shaken when he says that and I can't help looking at him.

"You shouldn't worry about me. It would be much better for you if you would just stay away from me. I'm not good for you," I pause. I really hope he could just walk away so I don't have to feel like this "I'm really screwed up and there's nothing you can do about it, Harm. You should stay away from me before I … before I'm able to completely screw your life up as well."

"Mac, right now it doesn't matter what you say to me. I think you need help and I'm going to make sure you get it."

"You're not listening," I'm getting frustrated and I know what's going to happen soon. I don't want him to see me like this. "I've been treating you so badly … how can you … ? I don't understand why you keep coming back for more." I look away from him. Now the tears have won the battle "There is absolutely nothing and no one that can help me anymore."

"I don't believe that. I will never believe that, Mac," I can hear him drawing air into his lungs until they're absolutely full. "I know I'm acting like a fool reaching out to you time after time when you obviously don't want me around, but I can't give up on you. I just won't do that."

I can't talk to him. Tears are flooding my face. I can't look at him and I can definitely not talk to him. Why did he come here? He only makes me feel worse.

"Something happened to you, Mac. Sadiq would be the easy answer, but I think it was something else, something before that. You know, there are people that can help with these kinds of things, people who can help you fix …"

"Harm," I don't know what has gotten me to turn my head and look at him "I don't think I'm fixable anymore." I don't know why, but there are even more tears coming down my cheeks now. Maybe, just maybe there's a little part of me that isn't quite ready to give up fighting that loosing battle just yet either.

"We'll get through this together," he puts his arms around me and pulls me close to his body "No matter what it takes, I'm there for you. Everything will be OK. Just trust me, talk to me, let me know what I can do to help you."

"I can't, I can't," I'm crying into his shoulder and he holds me even tighter. "Harm, there's something inside of me that's broken and I don't think it can be fixed anymore. It's been too many things and I wasn't strong from the beginning. I had a mask that's what got me here, but it's broken and it won't get me any further."

He doesn't say anything. He just holds me closer. I can't believe he's still there after everything I did to him, after Paraguay, after that night last week.

"Mac," he says. I actually don't know for how long we've sat there, but it's late now. I've calmed and I'm no longer crying. I can't believe I've let him see me like that. I've cried in front of him before, but never like that. "I want to know about that night. What happened?" he asks me. I can see that he afraid that it will upset me again, so he must really need to talk about this.

"I needed to feel something, anything."

"Did it help?" he asks. There's nothing judgmental in his voice.

"Yes, no. Well, at the time, but afterwards it just made me feel worse. Webb said that people who have been in life or death situations … they need to feel alive."

"You talked to Webb about me, about us, about that night."

"I wouldn't say talking. More like screaming and fighting. You know we've been going out occasionally since Paraguay, but I wanted it to stop. He came over here and he wasn't going to give up so I guess I said it so he wouldn't want me anymore, but unfortunately he was a bit too understanding." I attempt a smile, the first in three weeks.

"Mac, I'm so sorry about that night. I know I should have said no, but I couldn't reject you, not again."

"Actually I thought you were going to reject me. I wanted to feel something, anything. Rejection would have been OK," I look over at him. My thoughts travel back to the ferry in Sidney, but soon they're back in my apartment and the present. "Harm, I'm sorry. It was so egoistic and selfish of me to do that. I wasn't thinking." I hear my voice sounding so desperately.

While we've been talking we've slowly drifted apart physically. His arms have no longer been around me and his body heat hasn't been warming me. Now he once again embraces me and pulls me so close that I'm practically sitting on is lap.

"Mac, I need you. You have to get better, because I need you and you're my best friend. Mac, I need you to get better."

I can hear that he's crying now too. I never meant to make him cry. I never ever meant to make him cry, but I'm afraid it's not the first time.

He stays with me well into the night. I can't believe that he's here comforting me when I'm the one who's been hurting us both. I feel him starting to move a bit under me and I realize that he needs to get home to Mattie.

"I'm sorry for keeping you," I say.

"I haven't been anywhere I didn't want to be," he simply says and for once I believe him.

"Thank you, Harm."

"Do you think you could come over for dinner tomorrow? You haven't been over for dinner with me and girls for a while."

"I can't … I have that closing argument on Friday and I have to prepare."

"It's OK if you don't want to come, but I don't think you should be working. You've been working too much lately and I'm sure you're already more than well prepared for that closing."

I shrug my shoulders.

"On Friday, could you come by then?" he asks.

I nod "OK."

TBC


	4. 4 of 7

**Part 4**

Standing in front of his apartment I hesitate. I know I'm going to knock on the door eventually, I'm just not quite ready yet. I turn around at the sound of a door being opened and I look up in the direction of the sound.

"Hey Colonel Mackenzie," Mattie says.

"Hey Mattie. How are you?" I try to sound cheerful and normal and I think I'm rather successful. Truth is I actually feel more cheerful and normal than I did yesterday or the day before that so maybe that's helping a bit as well.

"I'm fine," she says and smiles. She opens the door to Harm's apartment "Aren't you coming?" she says when I don't move to follow her. She apparently knows better than to ask me how I'm doing. I wonder what Harm has told her.

"Yeah, I'm coming," I walk into the apartment behind her.

"Good you're here," Harm says to both of us "Where's Jen?" he asks Mattie.

"She got a phone call, but she'll be right here," Mattie answers him "Don't tell me that's vegetarian." She's looking into the pots and pans on the stove.

"Well, actually yes."

"Oh," she says disappointed.

"It smells quite good though," I say.

"Did you hear what he said? It's vegetarian," Mattie looks at me skeptically "I thought you were on our side."

My stomach is starting to ache a little. I realize I haven't really been eating a lot today or the day before that or before that … I guess it's been a while since I was hungry at all, but now I am and it's a nice feeling.

PO Coates soon comes over as well and we sit down to eat. I can see why Harm wanted me to come here. I'm not saying a whole lot, but I still feel included and I enjoy listening to the three of them talking, laughing and joking with each other. Only Harm notices my silence, however I think he also sees that I'm not as closed off as I have been. Harm has a family now, maybe that's what made him strong enough to reach out and try to help me when even I wasn't helping myself.

After dinner Mattie and Jen excuses themselves saying that they need to study. I wonder if that's the truth or if they just want to leave the two of us alone. Whatever it is I appreciate it.

"Everything went OK with your closing today?" Harm asks me. We've sat down on his couch.

"He was found guilty."

"Well, that's good," Harm says knowing I was prosecuting.

"Not for him."

"No, I guess not," he smiles at me.

"Harm, there's something I need to talk to you about," I start off "I'm going to go away for a while."

He swallows "You're being stationed somewhere else?"

"Not exactly. I ehh … A few months ago I saw this add in the paper. They were looking for volunteers to help out with a dig out in Uruguay. They're looking for fossils and tracks from dinosaurs. I was actually called to an interview, but then they called me a few days later and told me that I hadn't been accepted," I thought back to the phone call I had gotten from Prof. Krepps, the man in charge of the expedition. He had said that he had wanted to take me along, but there had been several applicants both younger and with more experience of paleontology. I didn't have any documented knowledge or experience just what Uncle Matt had taught me and I hadn't really expected to get in there anyway so I hadn't been so surprised. It had just felt nice to have a dream again, just like I had when I was a little girl. It had been nice.

"And …" Harm looks at me and I realize I've been lost in my thoughts. I'm pretty sure he knows where this is going, but he wants to hear it from me.

"Today they called again. One of the people they had accepted had dropped out in the last minute and they offered me his place. I talked to the Admiral and he thinks it's a good idea for me to take some time off. Probably would have forced me, if I hadn't suggested it myself."

"How long is this for?"

"Three months," I say. "I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Mac, you can't be serious. You're running away again."

"No, I'm not running away. Well, not from myself at least."

"But there must be other ways. You could try to talk to someone, a therapist."

"I've already talked to a therapist, Harm," I say.

"Isn't it helping?"

I shake my head "No …"

"But," he interrupts me.

"No," I say again "It's not. It won't help me right now, because I'm so afraid. I'm terrified, Harm. I can't talk about my feelings, stuff that have happened, before I feel safe again." I look at him. I can see that he wants to protest and say that he'll protect me, he'll keep me safe, but he can't save me from this. "Every day I wake up, every day I drive to work, every day I step into that office and gets handed a new case or a new investigation, I can feel my soul dying away from me. At first it happened slowly, maybe that's why I didn't notice it, but it's just going faster and faster."

We sit silent for a while. I can hear him breathing in and out. I'm doing the same.

"I need to be away from all of this to get stronger, so I can deal with it all and get well again, because right now I'm not well," I know he's not going to protest against that statement. It's the truth and finally I've accepted it. "Harm, you made me believe that I can be healed. You gave me hope." I take his hand in mine and we braid our fingers together "Thank you. You saved my life. Again."

"I just wish you could stay here, so I could see with my own eyes that you're OK and that you are getting better."

"Why are you still here, Harm? I've pushed you away. Especially this last year, but you're still here right beside me."

"You know when you said that thing. About there never being an us. I was so angry with you, with everything. I didn't want anything more to do with you at all. It's just recently that I've understood why I got so angry. I wasn't ready to give up on us. To accept that we were never going to have that and just be happy with the friendship we got."

"So what changed?"

"Even though I haven't lost all hope," he tries to smile at me "I don't want my hope to destroy us."

Looking at him, I wonder what made him so strong. I can't understand it. I just can't.

"Did you mean it?" he suddenly asks.

"What?" I don't understand what he's talking about.

"That there will never be an us."

"I wanted to mean it, but …" I look out through the window "I couldn't wait any longer. For you to be ready, for me to be ready, for us to be ready at the same time. Especially not when it might never happen."

"You wanted to move on."

"Yes," I nod.

"Do you still want to move on? Is that why you're leaving?"

"I don't want to move on from you," I say and I look back straight at him.

"Does that mean that you're willing," he makes a small pause "that you can," he stresses the can. I think he's understood what happened down there in front of the hotel. I think we both understand it now "wait for us until we're both ready."

"Harm, I …" not knowing what to say I fall silent "I don't know," I then say truthfully.

"When you come back, I hope you do." He sounds less emotional than he has the whole night.

"So do I," I say thoughtfully "Harm, I don't want you to be angry with me, but I know that I probably deserve it."

"I'm not angry with you," he looks straight into my eyes and I can't possibly doubt his words "Maybe you do deserve it sometimes, but so do I."

I start getting up from the couch "I have to get going. Got a lot of packing to do." He follows me to the door.

"Good luck," he says "with everything."

"Thanks," I smile at him. I actually have faith that things will be OK. "Take care of your girls, Harm. I trust they will take care of you."

"I will and so will they," he says very confidently.

I close the door behind me. I don't know if this is the beginning of the end or the beginning of a whole new story, but I guess I'm about to find out.

TBC


	5. 5 of 7

**Part 5**

I walk into the familiar building, in my familiar clothes. The uniform I've spent so many days, months and years in has always helped me to remind me of who I am, but it doesn't anymore. The familiarity is some how gone. It's not the uniform who has changed, it's me. It's been three months since I wore it and soon I'll pack it down and hide it away for good. This is the last time I'll wear it. I know what I've come here to do. It feels easier than I thought it would. I thought that once I was here, I would feel some level of regret and though I doubted I would actually change my mind, I thought I'd feel more sad about doing it than I am. It's easier too, to know that what's going to happen today is just a formality. My intensions were made clear to Admiral Chegwidden in a phone call last week and he promised that he'd work something out for me. I don't think my decision came as such a big surprise to him.

I walk in through the entrance. Everywhere I see people that I know, I still haven't seen any of my friends though, but they're probably further up in the building. I don't really want to talk to them before it's officially over. Their questions will be too hard to answer. I'm alone in the elevator on the way up. It's almost lunchtime so soon the whole building will be emptied of almost all personnel. The warm day will make most of them want to enjoy their lunch outside.

The elevator stops and since there's been 17 seconds since the doors closed on the entrance floor I know that I've now reached the right floor. The doors open. On the other side a group of people is eagerly waiting for it. Everyone, but one looks like they've seen ghost when they see me. My eyes immediately search out Harms eyes and he nods a silent 'hello'. Without completely letting him out of my sight I see the rest of them standing there. There's Commander Sturgis Turner, Lieutenant Bud Roberts, Lieutenant Harriet Sims and PO Jen Coates. People I used to work with and who were my friends, but I don't know how they feel about me anymore. I wasn't exactly a very good friend to them when I saw them the last time. Suddenly the doors start to close again and Harm, who I'm still intently watching, puts his hand between them to make them pull apart again. He smiles encouragingly at me and I can't help smiling back.

"I didn't know you were back, Ma'am," Harriet breaks the silence "You look wonderful." I feel quite uncomfortable when she says that. I wonder if they can all see that I've put on some weight. My bathroom scale told me exactly how much this morning. "Why don't you come with us? We're going downstairs for lunch." She wholeheartedly invites me.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. I have an appointment with …" I start excusing myself, but I get interrupted.

"The Admiral's in his office. You can walk straight in," Coates say. "It's good to have you back, Ma'am."

Everyone nods and it makes my heart feel so warm.

"That's too bad, but why don't you come down to us when the Admiral lets you out? So much has happened here and we've got so much to talk about," Harriet says excitedly.

"I'll do that," I agree. They're all walking into the elevator as I'm walking out of it. "It was nice to see you again," I say and I mean it with my whole being.

"Why didn't you tell us that she was … ?" I hear Harriet ask Coates before the door to the elevator is completely closed. I can't help smiling at that.

Half an hour later I step out of the Admiral's office. The paper work was handled in five minutes and the rest of the time we spent discussing the future, no longer talking like a CO and a subordinate. He told me about his retirement. I'm silently wondering if his own retirement is what made him help me out. As soon as Coates gets back from her lunch break he'll have her file the papers and in a couple of days I will no longer be a part of the US Marine corps. On Friday he has a dining out and when he asks me to come, I decide that it's probably the best way to end my own career in the military. To honor the man I served under for so many years together with the rest of the people I've served with. When he tells me that we're not the only people leaving JAG, I know straight away who he's talking about, but he says he should let her tell me herself.

I start looking for my friends out on the cafeteria deck. I soon find them and as I'm walking towards them I see Sturgis finding an empty chair by the table next to them and simply with a motion he offers it to me when I arrive at the table. They're all pretty much finished with their food, except for Harm who doesn't seem like he's eaten anything at all of his Caesar salad.

"Everything went OK, Ma'am?" Bud asks, but he doesn't seem concerned. I know I walk around smiling almost all of the time nowadays, at least that's what I've been told.

"Yes, everything is just fine."

"So when are you coming back to work? We sure could use the help," Sturgis asks me.

"Actually I'm not … I'm not coming back," they all look at me in shock. "I've handed in my resignation and Admiral Chegwidden has accepted it."

"This place sure is going to be different," Coates say. I'm glad the Admiral hasn't let anyone know about my call last week. Letting Coates know what it was about, would have been like telling them all.

"I'm going into the reserves," Harriet tells me.

I nod to her.

"We're expecting twins," she explains.

"That's wonderful, Harriet. Congratulations to both of you," I turn to Bud as well.

The six of us remain sitting there for a while. They tell me some of what's happened around JAG these last three months and they ask me questions about what I've been up to. We don't however talk about those last couple of weeks before my departure and for now I'm glad. I'm sure there'll come a time to talk about it, but that time isn't just yet. The speculations on who will be the next JAG are blowing high around all of the tables and ours isn't an exception.

Eventually they all get up to leave and I tell them I'll see them all on Friday. I'm very glad when Harm stays a little behind when the others leave. He hasn't said a whole lot during the lunch and definitely nothing to me. However I don't feel any hostility, I guess he just feels like I do, that there's so much for us talk about, but we need to do it in private.

"I missed you," I say when the rest of them are out of hearing range.

"I missed you too," he says and looks at me. He sounds so sincere.

"I'd like to talk to you," I say. I know he probably should be going back to work just like the rest of them. "Can you meet me for coffee after work?"

"Yeah," he nods "Half past five at Olivia's?"

"I'll be there," I say.

"Good bye," he says and he turns around to walk off, but he seems to change his mind, because he turns back to me "And Mac Harriet was right. You do look wonderful."

"Thank you," I smile.

* * *

By a coincidence I look up right when Harm walks by the window where I'm sitting. I put the magazine I've been reading back into my bag and take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself down. This might be one of the most important conversations I will ever have. Let's just hope that it will go well.

He spots me as soon as he enters the café. I found this place a couple of weeks after I had moved into my apartment and shared it with Harm after one of our morning jogs those first years we knew each other. We've been here several times after that and it seemed like the perfect spot to meet now.

"Hey," I say and smile.

"Hello," he says. He takes a look at the table "I see you've already ordered."

"I'm sorry, but I was so hungry and well, actually I was running a few errands and they took a bit longer than I had thought so I decided on going straight here without stopping by at home," I'm talking way to fast I realize. I really need to calm myself down.

He just smiles and looks at me and the way he does makes me slightly embarrassed and self-conscious.

"I'll just go and get myself something," he says "I'll be right back."

This unfortunately gives me even more time to think about what to say to him. When he returns it feels like it's been quite a while when really it couldn't have been more than a minute.

"So how have you been?" I ask him.

"Mattie's reconciling with her father," he says plainly.

"It's tough letting her go?"

"Yeah, it is," he says.

"When did this happen?"

"It's just been a couple of days, but you know they've finally started moving in the right direction and I don't think there's any way he's going to let this slip out in the sand now. I know I wouldn't if she was my daughter."

"You'll always be an important part of her life," I reach out my hand and gently squeeze his.

"I hope so. She'll always be in my heart," he looks sad at the thought of losing her and I can understand him. "You seem to be doing great," he changes the subject "Especially for someone who's just become unemployed."

"Well, I'm not exactly unemployed. I've been offered a job at the museum. I'll be guiding people around the dinosaur-section. It doesn't pay so well and it's actually not quite full-time, but … I'm really happy about it. I start on Monday, so I'm quite nervous. Prof. Krepps recommended me."

"It sounds quite different from JAG."

"That's what I want too. I need to get away from all of the things that were making me sick."

"But you're better now."

"Yes, I am," I hope Harm isn't going to think I'm crazy for telling him this "There was this Indian-village close to the dig-out where we would go to get our mail and supplies. The oldest woman there, she was probably some kind of medicine woman, I think, never recognized me. Everyone else she knew by name, but not me. During the last week there I asked her why she couldn't remember me and she said that it was because for every time she saw me the shadows over me had gotten smaller and she could see more of me. To her I looked like a new person every time I was there. For everyday I was there I felt a little more safe and my soul got a little bit brighter."

We sit quiet for a while, but at least he doesn't seem to think that I'm crazy.

"And what happens now?" he asks me looking very attentively. So far he hasn't even hinted on anything concerning us, he only seemed concerned about me being OK.

"I've been to see Commander McCool, the psychiatrist that the Admiral forced me to see before I left. She's recommended me to try group therapy with people who have all had or has PTSD and I'm going to give it an honest try."

The silence surrounds us again. Harm has finished his sandwich and mine is long gone too. We take a look at each other and jointly decide to get up and go for a walk. We don't need to exchange a lot of words to get to that agreement. Standing outside the café, we turn to walk towards the park where we've been jogging several times in the past. Now we're just walking in silence. Now and then we stumble a bit into each other and I can feel Harm's sleeveless arm against mine. He's come straight from the office and is still in his short sleeved summer uniform. It feels so good and reassuring to know that he's there walking beside me.

"Have people been talking a lot about my departure? I mean back then," I ask him. I was surprised by the hearty welcoming back I got from everyone at JAG earlier today. Maybe I should have put more faith in them, but still some of the things I've said to them …

"At first maybe, but you know how fast that place forgets," he says and I nod. I do know that. It was the same when Harm left for flying and when he was in the CIA, it's only the real friends who still remember. "And I guess I made sure that no one was talking about it when I was around anyway, so I may have missed some of it. Your friends didn't forget you though, Mac. We talked about you and we missed you."

"The five of you …" I start saying "You know it seemed more like it used to be, you know. That friendship and … It was lost for a while this last year."

"Yeah, I don't know what brought it on, but we ended up going to Benzinger's one night and I guess we were all reminded that we liked seeing each other outside of the office," he says. It makes me glad that the change wasn't just in my imagination. It feels a lot better to leave the place then "Sturgis and Bud has really talked things out and I think that helped the most," he finishes off.

"You have no idea how glad it makes me to hear that."

"I think I might," he says and I turn to look at him. He's smiling and so am I.

I spot a bench a bit further along the path and I suggest that we sit down there. What I'm about to say, well it might be better if Harm is sitting when he hears that.

"I need to tell you something," I say.

"Mac, you don't have to say anything now. I know you've come a long way in these last three months, but I don't want you to feel pushed to make a decision about us. We still have time. I can still wait. I'm just so thrilled to see you so happy and so at peace with yourself. It's the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me anyway."

"Harm, that's not what I need to talk to you about. Though at some point we will talk about it. I am ready to talk about it," I say firmly. I've taken his hand in mine, I need his strength and his support in the things I'm going to say "But you need to know all of the facts before we talk about that, about us."

"Whatever it is, I'll be there for you," he says. His determination is almost frightening. So much trust he puts in me, when he has no idea what I'm about to tell him.

"Harm, I'm pregnant," I say and it seems just impossible for me to hide the joy I feel over that fact, but when I see the disappointment and sadness in his face my smile dies immediately.

"Well, that's wonderful for you, Mac. I know how much you want children. I'm happy for you," he says after what feels like minutes, but it's probably not that much time that's passed. He's gotten himself together and he tries to smile to put me at ease. I can hear that he doesn't really mean his words and I can see that it isn't a genuine smile.

"I do want children and I am happy, but I had hoped that you would be happy about it too," I've put my hand protectively on top of my stomach.

"I am happy for your sake, Mac. What more do you expect of me?" he sounds so desperate to say the right thing, but still he can't hide disappointment and anger in his voice.

"I don't expect anything of you," I say truthfully, but I can't help the sadness that comes through in my voice. The conversation is calm and I think we're trying to really listen and hear each other out.

"So the father, is he someone from the dig-out?" Harm asks. I look at him so shocked at the question that I can't get anything out. "I mean you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just wondering," he adds.

"Harm," though he hasn't completely let go of my hand or tried to push me away, he's not quite holding on to it either. Now I take a firmer hold of his hand again. "it's you. This is our baby. Yours and mine. You're the father. There has been no one else." I look at him, I'm not sure if I dare to smile again. Right now I just feel so uncertain about what he's going to say about this.

Harm looks at me, I can't tell what's he thinking or what he's feeling, he then looks down on my hand like he's trying to imagine what's underneath there. He moves the hand that isn't linked with mine towards me, but stops in midair.

"May I?"

I just nod approvingly and when he does put his hand on my growing belly, now I can't help smiling for joy.

"How long have you known? Did you know when you left? Why didn't you tell me?" he sounds a bit accusing and I can understand why.

"I have only known about it for two weeks," he looks at me disbelieving "I know," I say. It's kind of embarrassing. "One night two weeks ago the whole group had remained sitting after we had had a late dinner. It was nearing the end and everyone was looking forward to getting back to the civilization, so we were talking about everything that we were going to do there and the things we missed and stuff. One of the other women complained about how uncomfortable it was to have your period out there. All of the women agreed with her, but I couldn't because I just then realized I hadn't had my period the whole time we'd been there, so … then I just knew. There could have been other explanations, but I just knew," I pause "Of course I've taken like 5 home pregnancy tests since then."

"Is everything OK?" now he looks a bit worried "Have you been to the doctor? I mean don't you normally go to the doctor for check ups and stuff."

"Yeah, I guess you do. Actually I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, if you want to come …" I say and then quickly add "You don't have to feel like you have to … But if you can't, but still want to I can reschedule it."

"I'd love to be there, Mac. I only have court in the morning and the Admiral is in a quite giving mode right now, so I'm sure I can get a few hours off."

"Good," I smile. "I'm glad you'll be there."

"It's too early too feel anything, right? Like him moving?"

"Him?" I cock my eyebrows "Yeah, it will be a few more weeks until you can feel that."

"Mac, I'm really happy about the baby."

"You had me scared there for a while."

"So did you," he says "I thought you'd found someone else."

"No, Harm. I definitely haven't found anyone else. That's why I wasn't quite as clear about all of this as I should have been I guess. I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be as obvious to you that you were the father as it is to me. I mean I didn't think that you could think you weren't the father and then I just got so scared that you didn't want the baby and I couldn't think clearly. I'm sorry about it though." I realize I've started to ramble.

"Mac, it's OK. I was jumping to conclusions," he says. He looks down on his watch. "Mac, I hate to do this, but I really need to go home now. I promised Mattie I'd help her with her homework before dinner." Together we get up from the bench.

"I'll follow you to your car," I say. I'm not upset that he's going. The fact that he is, is just a proof of what a wonderful father he will be to our child. But still I just don't want to be separated from him again and I want to take the chance to see him a bit longer.

We start walking in silence, but we're still holding hands and it feels wonderful. I'm so glad to be back here.

When we've reached the car, Harm turns to me and slowly embraces me. We remain standing like that for the longest time. Neither one of us wants to let go. It's hard to tell what kind of hug it is. If it's just out of friendship or of something else. I'm not sure either one of us can answer that.

"Mac, maybe you could come over for dinner tonight?" he asks me. "I'm sure Mattie would be glad to see you again, besides I think we still have some things to talk about."

"I'd love to, Harm," I say and look up at him.

"It's wonderful to see you look so happy. That makes me more happy than anything else."

"It makes me even more happy that I get to share it with you," I say.

TBC


	6. 6 of 7

**Part 6**

Believe it or not, but we never had that discussion about us. Sometimes I think we were never meant to have that talk at all. Some moments I feel like we've started moving towards something you in the future might be able to call 'us', but still we haven't really moved beyond friendship. These three months that I've been back in DC, we've spent an enormous amount of time together and that has felt so good every step of the way.

Mattie moved back in with her father in July and it was about then that we started spending the nights together at each other's apartments. It had started one evening when we had cooked dinner together in my apartment. After dinner we had taken a walk and then we had sat down in my couch just to talk. For once Harm hadn't been forced to bring home any work and since Mattie was no longer living with him, he had no rush to get home to her. We got more and more tired and at one moment we both must have fallen asleep sitting on the couch, because the next thing I remembered was Harm trying to wake me up from a nightmare. When I was finally awake I was more than a little shaken and Harm took me into his arms and didn't let go of me until I had told him everything about the nightmares I had been having at least a few nights a week since I came back from Uruguay. He didn't leave me that night and we spent it holding on to each other as we slept on my bed. After that it just became a very nice habit to sleep with our arms wrapped around each other.

Today is a very important day for me and my colleagues at the museum. We're opening up a new exhibit and the last couple of weeks have been very intense because of that. Over all I really like my new job. I often get to show elementary school classes around the museum and they are often very interested in learning about dinosaurs, so that makes the job much easier. I like my new co-workers and lately when we've had to put in extra hours I've gotten to know them even better.

We've been rather nervous about this day. We weren't even sure we'd get everything done in time and now we're just anxiously waiting to hear what the public will have to say. Tomorrow is the official opening day, but this evening some important people, journalists and of course most of the people who work here are bringing their spouses. I'm glad Harm accepted my invitation to come. He's never really been enthusiastic about my job here at the museum. He's never said anything of course, that really wouldn't have been like Harm, but I have a feeling that he thinks I ran away from JAG without a proper reason and that this job is a step down for me. I hope that when he sees this place and the people, it will make him understand that this job really isn't bellow me.

Everyone is just starting to arrive. Together with three of my colleagues I had to be here a bit earlier than the rest of them so Harm and I had decided that we were going to drive separately. Harm's coming from an investigation in California. He was supposed to take a cab from the airport and call when he arrived home, but so far he hasn't called and now he should have already been here at the museum. I wonder what's keeping him, but I promise myself not to get too riled up about it. I need to keep my calm and there's probably a perfectly natural explanation for it. Maybe he'll get here any moment, he just forgot to call, but I know him well enough to realize that he wouldn't forget that.

The people are mingling around in the exhibit now that Prof. Krepps have cut the traditional chords off in front of it. I hear mostly positive voices about it and it makes me proud to hear. I get introduced to the spouses of the other people who work here and they all ask me why Harm isn't here. By now everyone knows about Harm, apparently I talk quite a lot about him and as far as I've understood they were quite excited to meet him, so now they're disappointed that he isn't here.

The first people are getting ready to leave when I finally spot Harm. He's just entered the building and he stands at the bottom of the stairs looking rather confused around, probably searching for me, and looking very lost. He's still in uniform, I assume he's come straight form the airport, and that causes a lot of attention towards him. You should think that people living in Washington DC should be quite used to military uniforms, but I guess there aren't normally a lot of uniform dressed officers coming to events like these.

I tell myself firmly not to start running down towards him, but instead approach him calmly walking. His face lights up when he finally spots me and I can only assume that the smile on my face is matching his.

"Hey," I say once I'm standing right in front of him.

"You look so beautiful," he leans over and kisses my cheek.

"I had to go shopping. I don't fit into anything in my closet anymore," I complain a little.

"But you look so beautiful," He repeats again "I'm so sorry, I'm late, Mac. I really didn't mean to. We thought we had the investigation done and then some new evidence appeared and we pretty much had to start everything over again," he explains.

"It's OK, Harm. I've been there," I say knowingly "Most important is that you're here now."

He takes my arm under his and together we start walking up towards the new exhibit. As we walk up the stairs we meet some of the people I know that are now leaving and I quickly have to introduce Harm to them. Since I don't have a really good word to use to explain his relationship to me, I just say that he's Harmon Rabb and let the people draw their own conclusions. We start walking through the exhibition and Harm listens attentively to what I tell him about the things that are for display. By his questions I also realize that he's been paying more attention to the things I've told him about it before than I thought he was.

By the end of the walk through I see my boss, the director of the museum, his wife, Prof. Krepps and a woman who seems to be in his company.

"There's some people I need to introduce you to," I say there really aren't a lot of people left now, mostly just the people who are going to stay later and get everything back together after this event. Since I was here before it all started I can go home whenever I want now.

Harm follows me up to the little group of four.

"Harm, this is Mr. Eric Kastner, his wife Mrs. Mary Kastner, Prof Emilio Krepps and …" I look at Prof Krepps hoping he'll help me out.

"I'm Emilio's sister Geraldine Krepps," the woman says.

"This is Harmon Rabb," I say and Harm politely shakes everyone's hand.

"You used to work together with Ms Mackenzie?" the director asks Harm. He's not that into the museum gossip though he hasn't missed the fact that I used to be in the Marine Corps.

"Yes, we worked together for 8 years," Harm says.

"It must have been hard to find someone to replace her. I mean she's great at everything she does," my boss says and I start feeling like I want to sink through the floor. "She's done such a wonderful job here. To offer her a job, is by far the best advice I ever got from Emilio."

"She has been greatly missed at JAG," Harm says and smiles at me.

"Sarah, can I talk to you for a minute?" Prof Krepps asks me and I agree to step away for a minute.

"So, how have you been?" he asks me.

"I'm doing great," I say.

"And your Commander?"

"Harm's doing great as well."

"I'm glad to hear that," he says, but I have a feeling he isn't completely honest. We're standing outside of Harm and the other's hearing range, but they can still see us and I notice that Harm hasn't let go of me with his eyes. I smile at him reassuringly. I have never told him about the professor's advances on me in Uruguay, but I think he's starting to suspect something now.

"Was there something special you wanted?" I ask. I'd much rather get back to the rest of them.

"Yes, I've got an open place in a paleontology seminar next week and I was wondering if you would like to have it. I'm sure you have some overtime to take out now after these weeks."

"It sounds interesting, but I need to think about it," I tell him "Can I get back to you about that tomorrow maybe?"

"Sure," he says.

The Kastners have left and Harm and Geraldine Krepps now walk up to us.

"So when are you due?" Ms Krepps ask me.

"It's another three months to go believe it or not," I say. Sometimes I wonder if they didn't miss a second fetus at the ultrasound, because I just can't believe there's just one in there.

"I always wanted children, but I never found the right man to have them with," Ms Krepps continue to say.

"I found the right man years ago, but I didn't think I was going to have children anyway" I say and smile at Harm. Harm has snuck his arm around me and holds me in a way that almost makes me feel like he's marking his territory. I wonder if he's missed me as much as I've missed him these days that he's been away. I've missed being in his arms when I fall asleep and when I wake up. Since we started sleeping in each other's arms I have serious problems falling asleep when he's not there. I suddenly have a definite desire to get out of here and back to my place where I can be alone with Harm. "It was very nice to meet you Ms Krepps," I say "But I really need to get home and put my feet up somewhere now."

"I can understand that," she says "It was nice to meet you too."

"Give me a call tomorrow then, Sarah," the professor says and I promise to do so.

Harm took a cab straight here so we can go together in my car.

"Do you want to go to my place or your place?" Harm asks me.

"Would you mind going to mine? I kind of have something planned," I say hoping he won't be too hard to convince. I enjoy driving my Corvette through Georgetown. I know I have to change it for something a bit more practical soon, but I want to enjoy it for as long as I can.

"Something I'll like?" Harm asks.

"Well, I hope so …" I say and look at him flirtatious just for a second before I turn my attention back to the road.

"I'm so glad you're not angry with me for being so late. Renée used to …" he starts saying.

"… she used to give you hell when you were late or stood her up," I finish for him. We have never really been good at talking about our past and present significant others with each other. "Well, you know things like that can make you feel insecure and if you're not sure that your important to the other person, it can easily make you angry, but I know that I'm important to you and that if it had been up to just you, you would have been there, so I don't get angry about it."

"You are important to me and I'm really glad I got to see what you work with," I can feel him looking over, but I need to keep my eyes on the road "that professor … is he interested in you? Eh… I mean as a woman."

I quickly glance to the side where he's sitting "I've sort of gotten that impression from him, yes. In Uruguay … he tried to kiss me," I have to change lanes before I continue talking "But I stopped him."

"Good," he sighs audibly in relief and I have to look over at him "I mean good that you stopped him if you didn't want to … eh."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I tell him. I know that Harm doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He never did. But I don't know if he actually wants me himself.

We're getting closer and closer to my apartment now. He's holding his hand over mine and I feel his energy spread through my body. It wasn't just an excuse I told, that I was tired, but right now I don't think I'll have any problems staying awake.

"I went to see my mom when I was in California," Harm says after a while.

"How is she?"

"She's thrilled with the fact that she's getting a grandchild, but she's pissed at me," he tells me matter of factly.

"Why's that?" I ask him quite shocked at that statement.

"Well, at first she asked me why you'd turned me down and then when I told her I haven't proposed to you, she was quite disappointed stating that she thought she'd raised me better. I'm surprised she hasn't called you and apologized on my behalf actually."

"If she does I'll tell her that you did ask and I refused, so she can be upset with me instead," I promise him.

"No need to. I already said you'd say no if I asked you," Harm simply says.

"Harm, you know that the reason for that isn't that I wouldn't want to be married to you. I mean I'm not sure I ever want to be married again at all … you know what I mean," I've parked the car in my parking spot outside the apartment now, but we remain sitting. At least my reason is that I want us to talk this through before entering the apartment.

"Mac, I know. She's not the only one who's hinted me in that direction. Well, her hint was more like a blow to the head, but … you know what I mean," I smile at him when he says that. "If you were someone else. I mean if I had ended up in this situation with someone else like …" he doesn't have to say the names of his exes. I've personally known most of them. "then I probably would have proposed to her simply because it would have been the right thing to do, but with you … I don't think it would be the right thing to do for us. Not because I wouldn't much rather be married to you than to any of … those women, but I don't want to marry you just because that's what's expected of us because we're having a baby together."

I take Harm's hand and squeeze it. Right now I can't really find the words to say to him.

"I'd much rather have us raise him as best friends who are honest with each other, than us playing some sort of charade for everyone else," he finishes.

"Me too. I want us to raise her as best friends," I tell him. Harm is so certain that the baby is a boy and I'm just as sure that it's a girl. At least for me it has nothing to do with my wishes, I know I would love a son just as much as a daughter, I just have this distinct feeling that it's a she in there. Whatever it is, I guess we'll find out in three months from now. We decided together to wait until the baby's born to find out.

I unstrap myself and get out of the car while Harm does the same. Hand in hand we walk together up to the apartment. Outside the apartment I tell him to wait there until I come and get him. He doesn't look very happy about it, but he remains standing there when I sneak into the apartment. I take out the pies I've bought from the deli next to the museum, the strawberries and the chocolate dipping. I also take out the champagne bottle and put it on the already set table. I light all of the candles I've spread out throughout the room, turn off the lights and decide that I'm finished.

"OK, you can come in now," I tell Harm who's still waiting patiently outside the door.

I walk right behind him as he enters the apartment and looks around. I'm almost knocked over when he swings around towards me. He quickly throws his arms around me so that I don't fall to the floor. When I'm stable on my feet again he puts his hands around my face and leans down to gently and far too quickly kiss me.

"Wow," he says looking around the apartment.

"I missed you," I say and fight really hard to keep the tears inside.

"I missed you, too."

I lean up to get another kiss and I think we're both ready to just forget about everything and just get lost in each other, but we let go of each other's lips far too soon for my taste and we just keep holding on to each other in a tight embrace. It's like we're both very determined to stay best friends, but sometimes we just slip and afterwards we pretend nothing happened.

"So what is this?" Harm asks when we finally approach the table.

"That one's a mushroom pie, that's crab fish and that one's with broccoli. I didn't make them myself," I admit.

"So you're saying that they're eatable," he teases me.

"You be nice or I'll spark yours with some arsenic," I threaten him.

"I'll try to behave," he says. He pulls out my chair and helps me to sit down, he then sits down right beside me. "It really does look wonderful, Mac. You look wonderful."

"Thank you," I'm slightly blushing.

I open up the bottle of champagne. I don't have to tell him that there's no alcohol in it. We start serving ourselves from the pies and we start eating not for a moment letting go of each other's eyes.

As we've both eaten as much as we want, not leaving a whole lot of pie left, Harm takes my hand in his. With my other hand I take a strawberry, dip it into the chocolate and I offer it to him. He takes it and puts it into his mouth and I half regret not doing it myself, but I know that it wouldn't have been right of me to do that. That would have stepped over that line.

"So Mac, are you going to tell me why … this?" he then says.

"I just thought you and I should get to enjoy a nice evening together like this. You've got some complaints about that? " I ask him not quite serious.

"Of course I don't. This has been wonderful. I'm just curious to why, but if you don't want to tell me ..."

"Well, I was planning on waiting until later, but I guess …" I stop talking and pick up the thing I've had in my pocket the whole night. I hold it in the air between Harm and me and it swings a little bit back and forth. "I've been thinking about something I've wanted to ask you for a while now and when you were away I decided that it's time to do so," I draw in a lot of air into my lungs and then I start talking, the words rushing out of my mouth. "You know how we've spent pretty much all the time together lately. Either I stay over at your place or you stay here, so I've been thinking maybe it's time we make something more permanent."

Harm's nodding encouragingly "I think that sounds like a very good idea."

"This is a key to my apartment, but it's really just symbolic," I give it to him "Whether you want to live here, at your apartment or find something new … I … I mean maybe you want to have a bedroom to yourself and I … eh," I make a small pause. Some times I'm really scared that a time will come when Harm starts seeing other women again. Probably someone with less baggage than I have. We are working so hard on convincing ourselves and each other that we're just best friends that I'm afraid it's impossible that that doesn't happen sooner or later. I will try not to care and only be happy for him when it happens.

I shake myself out of my thoughts "I really don't care where it is as long as we live there together. All three of us," I can't help smiling at that thought "I thought we could try it at least and if it doesn't work or things change than …" I stop talking because I don't even want to think about it not working out none the less talk about it. "So Harm," I try a bright smile "Would you like to move in with me?"

"Yes, I would love to move in with you," he answers me "And I would love us to live here. I mean my apartment is hardly for a family and this apartment would be perfect for us right now, wouldn't it? I mean I kind of hoped we could continue to share a bed," he says mischievously.

"Yes," I realize I might have said it a bit too anxiously and then just continue "I … I just want you to feel comfortable living here, too. Like it's not just my home you moved into, but our home."

"Mac, this place is so much you and it's only with you that I feel at home, so …" he leans in to kiss me quickly "this is our home." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me over to sit across his lap. We start kissing and though it starts out very slow and gentle, it quickly develops into something much more passionate.

For once I have no idea how much time has passed as we've been sitting there kissing. Though we've hugged and simply touched each other a lot ever since I came back from Uruguay and for the last six weeks we've spent most of the nights together in the same bed, it has never been like this. It has always bordered more on the friendship side of that thin line. .

I think it's pretty simultaneously that Harm starts to unbutton my blouse and I start tugging at his shirt. My blouse is soon completely unbuttoned, but I'm still working on Harm's shirt. I don't really feel like I have the patience to unbutton it, but I know he wouldn't be very happy if I ripped the buttons off so I'm unbuttoning them with my very shaky hands.

"Mac," he's quite suddenly stopped kissing me and has put his hands over mine to stop me from continuing to work on his shirt, I guess. I hope he hasn't misread my nervousness and shakiness as an uncertainty that I want to do this.

"Mac, I think we need to stop this now," he says.

I just nod and I don't know what number in the order it is this evening that I'm trying to make sure no tears escape. "Harm, I'm so sorry … I …" It takes a few seconds before I've gathered myself enough to start over again "Harm, you know this is nothing like the last time, right?" I curse at myself when I can't keep the tears at bay.

"Oh Mac," he sighs and holds me even tighter.

"Because I'm so, so sorry Harm for what happened then. I never meant to hurt you or to use you just to feel better myself. Even though I know that it's true I still sometimes have problems believing that it happened."

"Mac, we were both equally responsible for what happened that night, but you were sick … I wasn't and if anyone should have stopped, it should have been me. Just because you were offering what I had wanted for … ever since I met you didn't mean that that night was the time it should happen. I'm the one who took advantage of your situation and I am so, so sorry because of that."

"Harm, you did nothing wrong," I try to persuade him. He still has his arms wrapped around me and it feels so reassuring that he's still there.

"No, Mac. That's not true. We both did things that were wrong that night. I'm not saying that … well us sleeping together was wrong in itself, but the reasons and the way it happened was and we both deserved better. However it did happen and we have to live with it … and I think we have learned to do so, so maybe we shouldn't risk that …" he folds my blouse together again around my front. "I mean we're friends again after all that happened. Not just friends we're best friends. I'm scared to death that we would loose that again, because as I said that's how I want us to raise our baby."

I just nod again and I try to kick start myself and get back into the happy mood we were in earlier. I get up from his lap and take his hand in mine because I don't really want to let go of the physical connection between us even if it can only be as friends. I realize that his feet must be completely numbed off by now after not getting any blood with me perched over his legs. I start giggling even though I'm trying my hardest to suffocate it especially because I can't really understand what I'm actually giggling about, but there's something in this situation that makes me completely unable to stop. It must simply be the tensions releasing.

"Mac, what's wrong?" he asks me looking quite worried. He's now gotten up from the chair as well.

"Oh, it's just … ehh. Can you feel anything at all in your legs right now? I mean I'm kind of heavy and I've been sitting on your lap for quite a while."

"So what, you think you're to heavy for me?" the look he gives me tells me he's up to something, but before I have a chance to react he takes one arm around my shoulders and the other under my knees and lifts me up. He starts walking and I tense up.

"Harm, let me down," I plead with him. I'm starting to get quite scared that he'll drop me.

"Mac, do you trust me?" he asks me and now he's completely serious "Do you trust me? Because I promise you I want let you fall."

I'm looking at his face, into his eyes and all I can feel is a complete and utter trust for him. "I trust you with my life." I finally relax in his arms and I let him carry me into the bedroom.

* * *

"You've been awake for long?" Harm asks me when he opens his eyes and sees that I'm lying with my eyes open looking at him there beside me.

"No, not so long. Someone gave me a pretty hard kick so I woke up," I explain.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You'll have to kick back the next time," Harm says and I can't help giggling.

"Not you, Harm. She did," I take his hand and put it under my pajamas top against the bare skin of my belly. It's rather likely that she'll move around again and I know how much Harm enjoys feeling that.

"Oh," he says slightly embarrassed. "I guess it's no point trying to get back at him," he's stressing the 'him'.

"No," I say. I try to stifle a yawn, but I'm unsuccessful. I'm glad today's a Saturday so I don't have to get up yet.

"Tired?"

"Yeah. I haven't slept so well the last couple of nights."

"Mac, you need to take care of yourself," Harm says sounding very worried and concerned.

"I know," I agree. The last three months I've been spending a lot of time finding out what to eat and do, to stay as healthy as possible through the pregnancy. I want to give the baby the best start in life she can get. To be honest I don't think I've eaten this healthy for so long in my whole life before. Sometimes I'm actually surprised with myself that I don't get more annoyed with Harm when he starts obsessing about my health, diet and sleep. "It's just I had some night mares and … then I didn't quite get the calmness to be able to sleep back."

"What did you dream about?" he asks me concerned.

I don't want to talk about it and relive it, but from experience I know that that's the only way to make it better. "You know when I was in Paraguay with Webb, I had to pose as his pregnant wife and wear a pregnancy suite. After Sadiq had captured us he let me be just because he thought I was pregnant, but when he found out I wasn't he … he came into the room where they were holding us and stabbed me in my fake belly. I've dreamed about that several times only now in the dreams I'm really pregnant with our child and … there was so much blood," I can't help closing my eyes in an attempt to lock everything out, but I know I have to continue "I could feel the pain and I was so devastated about coming home and telling you that I had lost your baby, our baby," I can't keep my tears at bay, but as they're strumming down my cheeks Harm puts his arms around me and lets me cry into his chest.

"Everything is fine now, Mac. You're OK and the baby's OK. You take such wonderful care of him already and I know you'll make a great mom," he keeps repeating those phrases and others similar to them and whispers them into my ears. My breathing is finally calm again and I know now I won't have to have that nightmare again.

We've both quieted down and just enjoy lying there wrapped in each other. The sunlight is starting to make it's way into my bedroom and I feel the rays warming my back that's facing the window.

"Mac, next time you dream something like that I want you to call me. I don't care where or when. Please, just call me," he's put his finger under my chin and holds my face so I can see how serious he is about this.

"I hope there won't be a lot of those nights when you're not here."

"So do I," he pauses "You know that's my worst nightmare too. That something would happen to you and the baby. I don't know what I would do if …"

"Hopefully we never have to find out."

Harm's just silent for a few moments and then he starts to get up from the bed.

"Hey, where are you going?" I protest.

"I thought I'd get us some breakfast and I didn't think you'd want to get out of bed just yet."

"I don't, but nature's calling," I realize and I start getting up as well. "I think there's still some strawberries and chocolate," I hint him as to what I would love to have for breakfast and I can't help licking my lips. "But I guess I should eat something else first," I add when I see the horrified look on Harm's face.

"I'll just try to come up with something," he fires me a great smile and I know I won't be disappointed."

TBC


	7. 7 of 7

**Part 7**

I look up at the door when I hear it squeak a little when it's opened a few inches and then a few knocks are heard.

"Can I come in?" Harm peeks his head in through the opening. He looks completely amazed when he sees what's resting in my arms. "You're both awake," he states.

I was actually surprised when I woke up and didn't find Harm there, but when I realized how much time had passed since this had all started I was glad that he had hopefully gone to get some very well deserved sleep.

"I think we're starting to get a hang of this," I tell him and look down on my daughter who's feeding at my breast.

"Does it hurt?" he asks. He has started to walk towards the bed now.

"No, it's not so bad," I reassure him.

"I was so scared when Sturgis was there to meet me as I got off the plane yesterday," he says as he sits down on the bed. "And then I got even more scared that I was going to miss the birth."

The last 26 hours have been intense to say the least. One and a half week ago when Harm came home and told me that he had to go to Australia for about a week I got a very bad feeling about it, but Harm was already feeling guilty about it and I didn't want to make it any worse for him so I kept it to myself. On my last day at the museum, two weeks before I was scheduled to deliver, I started getting some labor pains. I was in the middle of guiding a first grade class around the exhibits and I had to leave it over to one of my colleagues before I called Sturgis and asked him if he could drive me to the hospital. I knew Harm had gotten on his plane as planned so I still had hope that he would get here in time for the birth.

As it turned out he was there well in time, because I ended up being in labor for a little more than 20 hours. When the little bundle I'm now holding in my arms was finally born we were all completely exhausted. Right now though I'm just so filled with joy over the fact that we're all OK.

"I'm glad you were there, Harm. I never would have made it without you."

"I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world," he tells me and gently takes my hand in his.

"She's told me her name," I tell him. He raises his eyebrow at me, but before he has a chance to express his doubts about my statement I continue "Her name's Ester."

He takes a good look at her even though he must already have memorized the way she looks and tastes the name "Ester," he says slowly. "Yeah, I think you're right. Ester Mackenzie." He strokes his hand over her little head looking like he's a bit afraid that he'll disturb her feeding, yet unable to stop himself.

"No, Harm," I shake my head "Ester Rabb."

"Are you sure?" he asks me and he's completely unable to cover his pride in his daughter getting his name.

"Yeah," I nod "As I said she's told me her name and she's an Ester Rabb," I smile at him and he meets my smile. She doesn't seem to want to eat more for now and I change her position in my arms to start burping her.

"Can I do that?" Harm asks.

I nod and he reaches out to carefully lift her over to his arms having her rest against his shoulder. He's good with her.

"She's so little," he says as he holds her and rubs her back.

"Yeah," I sigh "Do you think maybe she can stay that way for ever?"

"There's always hope," Harm says. I'm convinced she'll give us both a fair amount of headache eventually.

"Are you a little bit disappointed that it wasn't a boy?" I say very quietly. I can't help it, I have to ask.

He just looks at me horrified "No," he says and the force in his voice unsettles Ester a bit, but she calms down quickly when he continues much calmer. "She's perfect just like we both knew she would be. I guess it's a bit early to tell who's looks and who's brains she got …" he says and I think we're both thinking about that conversation over five years ago. I doubt either one of us thought that our deal would work out like this.

"Who knows maybe we can make a little brother for her in the future." I'm not sure what's gotten into me.

Harm raises his eyebrows as he looks over at me "A few hours ago you said you were never ever going to let me or any other man for that matter touch you again."

"Maybe I exaggerated a bit," I say. Truthfully I've already forgotten most of those 20 hours of labor and what they were like.

Ester has started to doze off on Harm's shoulder and he gently puts her back into my arms where she lies just silent sleeping. He strokes my chin and I can tell that something's up, that there's something he needs to talk about. When he doesn't speak for a couple of minutes, I decide to ask him myself.

"Harm, what's on your mind?"

"It's just … I'm so afraid that I'll loose you," he admits to me and it gets me completely shocked. That was not even close to what I thought he would say.

"Harm," I start protesting, but I quiet down when he puts up his hand saying that he's not finished.

"I'm so happy I have you now and I don't want to loose you," he says and I still have the feeling that he's hiding something from me "You're so wonderful, so perfect and you've given me the greatest gift anyone could," then his voice is just a mumble and I have troubles making out what he's saying "I just wish I'd know you're here and let me be beside you a little bit for me and not just because of the baby."

Tears start strumming down my cheeks "Harm, you are wonderful," I say strongly "You've given me so much. You gave me faith in myself that I could get well again and that I could do this," I pause before I start talking again "The fact that I was pregnant with your child did force me to open up and let you come closer both because I wanted you to know your child right from the beginning and because I needed your support, but I'm so glad that it all happened. I always want you around Harm."

With one arm I'm holding my sleeping daughter and with the other hand I start wiping away the tears. Harm stops me in the middle of a movement and uses his thumb to take away the rest of them and when they're all gone he leans in to kiss me gently on the mouth.

There's a few knocks on the door and Harm then turns to me and says "My mother's here and she wants to see you and Ester," I raise my eyebrows at him. "She's kind of been waiting outside of the door. Can I let her in?"

"You've had her wait outside the whole time you've been in here."

"Well, I … Yes."

"Then stop tormenting the woman. Let her in," I tell him.

"I have a feeling you two are going to get along a lot better than what would be good for me.

"Finally," Trish Burnett protests when Harm opens up the door for her. "So," she raises her eyebrows "are you going to introduce us? I don't think we've ever been really introduced in person, because if we had I would have remembered it," she adds.

"Mom, this is Sarah Mackenzie and," he strokes his hand protectively over the baby's head "this is Ester Rabb. "Mac, this is my mother Trish Burnett and well I guess we'll continue with the introductions when you're awake, honey," he says towards Ester.

"It's nice to finally meet you Ms Mackenzie," Harm's mom has walked over to the other side of the bed and reached out her hand towards me. "I would love it if you called me Trish."

I take it and we firmly shake hands "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Trish. My friends call me Mac," I add.

Trish now has problems taking her eyes off of the bundle in my arms. She looks like she's in just as much aw as Harm and I are. With all three pairs of eyes watching her, Ester wakes up and stirs a bit in my arms before she settles down again looking like she's looking straight at my face.

"Do you … Do you want to hold her?" I ask Trish. I see the immediate smile that lights up her face.

"Are you sure?" she asks me just in case, but I just nod and she leans down to pick her up. Ester just looking at the stranger that's holding her. "I'm your grandmother," Trish tells her.

Harm has moved closer to the bed again and we link our hands together slowly braiding our fingers.

"So when are you two getting married?" Trish suddenly asks and looks from Harm to me and back to Harm again.

"We're not," Harm says in a tone that says it's not the first time he's answering that question,.

"Then once and for all please explain this … relationship that you have," Trish demands and it doesn't seem to be any point to argue with her.

"Mom, Mac and I … we …"

"Harm and I are an us," I state firmly, but I doubt it will really be very informative to her, yet to me and Harm that word has more meaning than anything else.

"And what does that mean in English?"

"It means that there's no Harm without Mac and no Mac without Harm," Harm says rather poetically and I think we both decide that that's all we're going to say on that subject at least for now.

"Hm," she just mutters and Harm and I can't help looking at each other and exchanging a smile.

"So how come the name Ester?" Trish asks after she's put Ester down in the crib where she can sleep undisturbed.

"She told Mac that's her name," Harm says and look that Trish gives us must be very close to fatal. I think she thinks we're being a bit too unorthodox right now. I want to tell Harm to try to be a bit nicer to his mother, but at the same time I'm starting to get very sleepy again. I still haven't completely caught up on the sleep I lost last night.

"You need to get some more sleep, Mac," Harm has been watching me very intently. "Mom, maybe you could come back later."

"Yes, I will," Trish says. "It was nice to meet you, Mac," she says and also walks up to take a last peek at our little Ester.

"Harm, you need to get some sleep as well," I protest when Harm remains sitting on the chair beside my bed still holding my hand. I look forward to tomorrow when I get to go home with the two most important people in my life.

"I'd rather not leave the two of you," he gently protests.

I start moving a bit to the side of the bed and motion for him to get up and lie beside me. "Please, Harm," I say when he seems to protest. Finally he gets up on the bed and lies down beside me in one of our most common sleeping positions with my head resting on his chest.

"This has been the best day in my whole life," I tell him.

"Me too," he answers me as he blows warm air into my hair.

"Harm, why are you afraid you'll loose me?" Something has reminded me of what he said before Trish walked in.

"I …" he pauses "I got some news two weeks ago."

"Good or bad?" I say, but soon after I've said it I realize they can't really be that good if they're making him scared.

"It depends …" he pauses again "I'm being stationed abroad for a year at least. In Sydney to be more exact and I … I would like the two of you to come with me," he says it like he's afraid I'll be angry with him, but I was part of the military service long enough to know that you don't make career decisions on your own there and I probably would have been more angry if he hadn't wanted me to come with him.

"I'll come with you," I state slowly, but in one breath.

"I know you have your job that you love here and all of your friends and Sydney doesn't exactly bring a lot of nice memories back for either of us, but I'm sure you find a new job there or you can take more classes in paleontology or …"

"Harm, I'll come with you. I don't care about my job, my friends or anything else as long as I'm with you and we raise our baby together."

I can feel him take a deep breath and then breathe out. "You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that."

"If you've know for two weeks why haven't you told me?"

"I didn't want to risk anything with the baby, if you got upset or …" Harm starts explaining.

"Well, I … it wouldn't have been a risk, but I do love and appreciate the fact that you care so much about us."

"Mac, I don't just care. I do love you, you know."

"I love you too, Harm." He wraps his arms even tighter around my upper body. "You never have to worry about loosing me, because I will follow you everywhere, whether you want it or not."

"Is that a promise?" he asks me. I know it won't be long until we're both sleeping.

"Yeah," I say "Or a threat, I guess. It depends on how you see it."

"I'll take it as a promise then," Harm whispers into my ear. "But I promise you, Mac, you won't always have to be the one who has to make sacrifices for us to be together."

"Sleep tight," I say right before I drift off to sleep and I'm not sure if he does answer me or if he's already asleep as well.

The End

AN: Great thanks to everyone who sent feedback about the story. It was very appreciated. This will be probably be my last contact with fanfic world for a while. My life just won't allow it right now, but maybe when I'm through with my military training, then … who knows! Anyway this is goodbye for now, but of course if you have any questions you're welcome to write and I'll try to answer them as soon as I can. Take care!


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